


Unexpected Fowl Should be Brought to Captain Pike's Office

by ExcavatingLizard



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Canon Compliant, Gen, Humor, Inspired By Tumblr, Jim is a Little Shit, Pike is a Bad Influence, Prank Wars, Short One Shot, Writing Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29583684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExcavatingLizard/pseuds/ExcavatingLizard
Summary: Jim coerces Bones into helping him bring chickens to class.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	Unexpected Fowl Should be Brought to Captain Pike's Office

**Author's Note:**

> [prompt](https://colormayfade.tumblr.com/generator): Is...Is that a chicken in your backpack?
> 
> This instantly made me think of that one Tumblr(?) post, so here we are. I hadn't meant to pull so many of the characters into this but I just LOVE the academy dynamics.
> 
> Yet another oneshot. I apologize for nothing.

“Is…is that a chicken in your backpack?”

Jim grinned, and once again attempted to zip the protesting bag closed. “Technically Bones, it’s two chickens.”

Leonard’s eye twitched, “And why the hell do you have two chickens in your backpack?”

“Because I couldn’t fit three. The last one’s in your bag, in case you were wondering.”

Leonard was going to strangle Jim if the universe didn’t get there first.

**—**

Leonard peeked into his bag at the disgruntled pile of feathers with a large number ‘4’ stuck to its back. The chicken looked about as thrilled as he felt, and Leonard gently stroked its feathers in solidarity.

“You only said you had three chickens. What’s with the four?”

Jim’s eyes were shining as he turned with a mischievous smile to Leonard, “Ah, well, that’s the whole point. There are only three chickens, but no one needs to know that.”

“Why do I put up with you?”

“Aww, come on Bones, you know you love me.” Jim nudged him with his shoulder and Leonard sighed for what must have been the fiftieth time that morning. “Besides, I know for a fact that I’m the only thing that has kept the last three years bearable for you. Without me, you’d be drinking in a bar somewhere, crying over Jocelyn,” he leant back and flung a hand theatrically against his forehead.

Leonard snorted, “Keep telling yourself that, kid. Now, where do you plan to let these things go? If I find chicken shit in my bag after this I swear…”

“Right here,” Jim cut him off, gesturing towards the back of the building that housed all the staff offices, “just make sure that you stay out of the cameras. I had Pike breathing down my neck for a week after he caught me and Gaila back here.”

Leonard followed Jim as he snuck to the bushes surrounding the path that led behind the building. Kneeling down, Jim unzipped his backpack to release the two rather flustered-looking chickens. Leonard did the same, and wrinkled his nose as his own chicken emerged. The brightly painted numbers glared back at him, and despite himself, Leonard began to feel anticipation. 

As far as pranks went, Jim’s was relatively harmless— not like that time Leonard had been sprayed by some strange dye Christine was working with and ended up as blue as an Andorian for a week. Or the time _someone_ had tried to steal one of Sulu’s swords while he was sleeping and lost the tip of his ear. Jim had grumbled the entire time as Leonard— with the help of a dermal regenerator— reconstructed the ear. The kid was insufferable, especially where his health was involved.

“I scattered chicken feed across campus, just to, y’know, make sure they don’t stay back here.” Jim shrugged nonchalantly, and Leonard couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

Leonard shook his head, “You’re a real piece of work, you know that?” he cast a glance at the chickens which were already wandering away, “Let’s get to class.”

—

They were halfway through their shared xenolinguistics class when the announcement came over the PA system: “Cadets, please be aware that, should you encounter any unexpected fowl on academy grounds, these birds should be brought immediately to captain Pike’s office. Thank y—” the end of the announcement was cut off by a squawking and a flutter of wings, followed by a brief curse, and the line going dead. 

Jim turned from where he was sitting near the front of the lecture hall to grin at Leonard as the class broke out into murmurs and stifled giggles.

 _I wonder which one he found,_ Jim mouthed towards Leonard. At least that was what he assumed Jim had said. Even having taken classes his lip reading was shit. Leonard just shook his head and tried to hide his own smile as he looked back at the extract they were supposed to be translating.

Their instructor seemed to have been knocked off guard, fingers twitching as he stuttered that they should continue with the assigned work before he slipped out of the door.

A message popped up on the screen of Leonard’s PADD, obscuring the top of the extract

From J-asshole-kirk:

_-whats got him in a tizzy?_

_~Did you really just say ‘tizzy’?_

_-at least I don’t say ‘all yall’_

_~Nothing wrong with saying y’all._

_And to answer your question, Betazoids don’t like being around animals. Too much emotional transference._

_-damn, I forgot about that._

_~Maybe you wouldn’t if you ever listened in class._

_\- I wonder if Vulcans…_

_~Don’t even think about it. Spock hates you enough as it is._

_-but Bonessss,,, its just so boring,,,_

_~You need to know this stuff if you’re going to be captain._

_-thats what ill have you for?_

_~I’m a doctor Jim, not your goddamn nanny._

—

“What happened to you?” Jim asked with a smirk when Uhura sat down at their table in the cafeteria, feathers sticking out of her hair and her red shirt twisted at an odd angle. She scowled at him and thumped her tray down hard enough to shake the table.

“Some idiot released chickens on campus. _Chickens_. I just spent the last half hour helping Professor Spock look for them,” she sighed as she itched at a scratch on her wrist.

“You should probably get those checked out,” Leonard gestured towards the scrapes that circled Nyota’s hands, “don’t want ‘em getting infected.”

Nyota turned her scowl on him, and if he wasn’t already the king of death glares, Leonard would have melted under the intensity of it. As it was, he just lifted an eyebrow at Jim who was snickering into his mashed potatoes. 

“I already got Christine to check them. Don’t you guys have something better to sterilize with? Rubbing alcohol stings like hell.”

“Didn’t know you were so weak, Cadet Uhura.”

Leonard ignored Jim and shrugged, “You could’ve asked her to use a sterilizing field, but the rubbing alcohol’s easiest. No reason to fix something that ain’t broken.”

Jim couldn’t contain his laughter anymore, and Nyota spun back to him, “And you! What’s so funny about this, huh? Those birds have been running all over school, and somehow Pike got put in charge of getting rid of them, which meant he asked Spock, who got me to help, because, and I quote, ‘Vulcans do not seek to interact with Terran creatures unless strictly necessary’.” She put her head in her hands, “We’ve caught three of them, and I just have to hope that we’re only missing one more.”

Jim was howling, and even Leonard found himself grinning. He felt bad for Nyota, really he did, but seeing Jim’s ridiculous plan come to fruition was hilarious and weirdly satisfying. He’d almost expected nothing exciting to happen, but where Pike and Jim were involved (whether they realized it or not, in Pike’s case) it was almost inevitable for chaos to follow. Leonard wondered if Pike ever regretted bringing Jim into Starfleet. 

Probably not. The captain was an even worse influence than Jim.

Just then Jim’s PADD beeped, and he pulled it out, grin widening as he read the message. “Well, there’s Pike now. Want to come with me Bones?”

Leonard rolled his eyes but stood to discard his tray and follow Jim out of the chatter of the dining hall. Gaila was trying to console Nyota, but she gave Jim a sly smile and a thumbs-up as she pulled feathers out of her friend’s hair.

When they got to Pike’s office they found the captain sitting behind his desk with a grave expression and three chickens in a makeshift cage in the corner of the room. They looked significantly more comfortable than they had in the backpacks that morning, but still shuffled their feathers unhappily when Jim walked in, smirk firmly plastered on his face. He might have been written up for insubordination were they actually on a ship, but as it was Jim was still one of the best cadets in the academy and Leonard doubted anything could get him kicked out. Not that Pike would do it anyway; Jim was a wager he wasn’t going to lose.

“Kirk,” Pike sighed and shook his head, before reaching to pull something out of one of his drawers. Leonard saw Jim’s expression falter slightly before Pike placed a single egg into his palm.

They both stared at it dumbfounded, before looking up at Pike who was wearing a smirk of his own.

“Guess I should congratulate you on being a grandfather, cadet.”

Bones was wheezing.


End file.
